i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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