Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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