I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
