Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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