I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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