i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize