I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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