If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize