I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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