i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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