Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
