I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
