If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
