I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Define "chronic" masturbator.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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