I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
