you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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