Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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