dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
