my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize