dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
