i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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