It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
