hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
