I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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