Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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