im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
