3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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