ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
