I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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