God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
