Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
