I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
