Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize