youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
