Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We have started to decorate penises.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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