I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
