Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
