Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
