hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
