you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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