the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
