Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
