drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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