I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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