his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
