You can't motorboat a personality
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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