Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
