Jerry, you need to find god
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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