Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Less talking, more tequila
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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