The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
