I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
