He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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