I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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