I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
