You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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