YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize