Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
