My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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