areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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