The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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